Judging from the multitude of responses we have gotten from
my essay about internet pornography , pornography is an issue that plagues many relationships. Most of the comments we've received are from women who feel devalued and disrespected by the fact that their husbands, boyfriends and fiancées look at internet pornography. Many of the women who have written in have expressed feeling betrayed when they discover their men have looked at pornography. They have expressed the belief that they are not attractive enough, or desirable enough, or sexy enough. Some of these female writers report that they even view some internet porn along with their partner and feel especially angry that their partner will sneak away to view porn websites in isolation. The comments express outrage, hurt, puzzlement, and confusion about what goes on with their men.
There are many noteworthy things to say about the responses we have gotten so far on this issue of pornography but three questions stand out in my mind at this moment:
1. By far, the largest number of emails have come from angry and disappointed women.
2. Men view pornography in secret and in isolation from their female partners. Why do men engage in viewing pornography both in secrete and in isolation?
3. How can we help men and women understand one another so as to better avoid the bitterness and anger that easily comes between them on this issue?
1. Understanding vs. Rage:Clearly, many women are enraged by pornography and direct their wrath at their men. We have had several females state their intention to end their relationship with their male partner and at least one woman has asked if she should break her engagement and impending marriage over the pornography controversy.
We need to ask if this angry approach is good for either men or women over the topic of viewing internet pornography. Would it not be better to try and understand what is happening here between males and females and, through that understanding, develop better ways to cope with this problem?
Part of the reason why women are so angry about internet pornography is that it takes their men away from the family and from themselves. How can a father be engaged in fathering his children if he is locked in his office at home spending countless hours viewing porno sites on the internet? More than just viewing porn, these men are also masturbating. It goes without saying that masturbation occurs in isolation, at least under these circumstances, and the wife or partner is not involved in this solo activity. Yet, why? Why does this occur? Why do otherwise good fathers and husbands engage in this self-isolating sexual behavior when they have a willing sexual partner available? Why do so many men view porn in private and keep it secret from their wives, even from those wives who are willing partners in jointly viewing pornography as a "turn on" preceding foreplay and intercourse? Let us see if we can figure out some answers instead of engaging in condemnation.
2. Why Do Men View Pornography?One of the reasons why men who are married, engaged to be married, or have a girl friend with whom they are sexually active, engage in the viewing of pornography in secret has to do with an emotion we recently visited called shame. As has been stated in other weblog entries on this site, shame has to do with deep feelings of self-disapproval. Shameful feelings of self condemnation can be extremely harsh, especially when it is perceived that a deeply valued belief about what is and is not socially acceptable has been violated. This is why shame is such a painful experience. The individual who feels shame engages in total self condemnation, whether other people are aware of it or not. Shame is much more powerful than guilt because feeling guilty is connected with a single act or behavior of which the person disapproves. There is no condemnation. Instead, there is awareness that some law or code has been violated in a single instance. Shame is much more global in nature than guilt. It involves a complete judgment of the entire self as negative. The experience of shame is humiliating and includes feeling a sense of disgust and mortification about the self.
Both men and women experience feelings of shame around sexual issues but for different reasons.
For women, feelings of shame often have to do with body image issues. Women compare themselves to other women and fear that they are not thin enough, shapely enough, or large breasted enough to fit the stereotypical view of what is defined as a beautiful woman.
In addition to body image issues, women struggle with what is and is not acceptable about being sexual when you are female. To this day there remains the double standard that for men it is permissible to be sexual but for women sexuality represents being immoral and sinful. Yet, once married, women are expected to be sexual and erotic for their husbands. These conflicted feelings are often less intense today, in the wake of the women's liberation movement, but they still persist.
For men, shame issues are directly related to sexual performance, and definitions of masculinity. For the male, part of sexual performance has to do with getting and maintaining an erection. This is such a visible aspect of masculinity and is so very obvious that any males who doubt their masculinity struggle with the question of whether their erection is large enough to attract and satisfy women. The man wonders if he is aroused enough. Second, he has to be able to ejaculate. The male cannot "fake" an orgasm. There is just no pretending; He either ejaculates or he does not. If he fails to ejaculate he feels less like a real man. If he fails to get and maintain an erection he feels less like a real man. If the male ejaculates before he enters the woman he feels less like a real man and if he ejaculates too soon after entering the woman and thus, deprives the woman of her orgasm, he feels like a failure. None of this is mean to imply that the men who watch pornography have these problems. It does imply that many men fear that these things could happen.
In addition to issues of performance for the male is the issue of genital size and appearance. Beginning with adolescence it is common for boys to compare penis size with one another. Some groups of boys even engage in ejaculation contests to test whose ejaculatory jet is the strongest and can reach the furthest. Some even engage in urinary contests to see whose urinary stream can reach the furthest. All of these are tests of masculinity for these adolescent men. Many boys become interested in weight lifting magazines with photos of muscular men whom they wish to emulate as a way of demonstrating their masculine prowess.
Then, there is the issue of fantasy life. According to Robert Stoller, a psychoanalyst and researcher on sexual issues and pornography, the role of pornography is to serve as the reverse of life events that occurred during childhood. Children who were abused, targets of corporal punishment at the hands of parents, or who were otherwise mistreated gain joy out of pornography by identifying themselves with the sadist in these photos and movies. In other words, they become the masters and the women become the slaves. Similarly, men who were intimidated by women as teens are able to reverse that feeling of intimidation they once felt (and still may feel) through the use of porn. Men are in complete charge and have complete power in the pornographic version of human fantasies, the complete reverse of their reality as children and the reverse of how they may feel as adult men. Therefore, they identify with doing things through viewing the pornographic material that they may be too ashamed to do with their wives in real life. This sense of embarrassment and shame about these fantasies is why so many men keep their pornographic interests secret, as one patient reported to me.
Stoller also writes about the concept that pornography has a fetishistic aspect to it. A sexual fetish involves having a sexual reaction to a non-human object or a part of a human being's body. Such an erotic arousal might occur in relation to such things as shoes, underwear, feet, etc. In my opinion, pornography can be categorized as a fetish in that images are being viewed that are not alive or do not involve interacting with an entire human being. This is part of what is referred to as the objectification of women through pornography. In other words, in the pornography, the female body is viewed as a commodity, as a thing rather as a human being.
The next big step that Stoller takes in his writing is to state that the fetish object, which is not a full human being and is not real, can be treated with cruelty and violence. The men who view pornography have no wish to harm either their wives or other women. However, they imagine harm to or at least control over a pornographic object through the fantasy world of pornography
This separation of fantasy life reversing what happened during childhood is part of what is known in Freudian psychoanalytic circles as the "Madonna-Whore Complex." This complex refers to the wish in all men that their wives are pure and innocent with regard to raising their children and interacting with friends and neighbors. The purity part of the continuum encompasses the "Madonna," or the virginal and sexually innocent girl. However, the same man wishes his wife to act like a "whore" in the bedroom, performing all the wished-for sexual acts that excite and please him.
The problem for some men is that they cannot reconcile the fact that their wives; the mothers of their children can fill the wished for sexual fantasy of the "whore." For these men, the Oedipal conflict takes over in which there is too much guilt associated with the role of "mother" to allow them to continue to see their wives as sexual partners. In other words, a split takes place in which their wife and the mother of their children can no longer be viewed as the "whore" but only as the "Madonna." This type of split includes viewing pornography in private because they do not want to admit to having such fantasies about their wives and may even believe that these wives would never approve of such erotic and "prohibited" fantasies. Therefore, the pornography must be viewed in privacy and solitude. If you doubt the power of the Oedipal conflict that boys feel in relation to their mothers, I need only point to the major fist fights and near riots that break out in high schools across America if one boy should happen to use a particular curse phrase in regard to the other boy's mother. Simply to state the term "Mother-F***er" (use your imagination to fill in the missing letters) to another boy can start a major battle between groups of adolescent boys. In the therapy office I have worked with a few men over the years that simply lose their libidinal feelings towards their wives once they become mothers.
For all of these reasons and more, many men retreat into the secret and private world of pornography and masturbation. This is even true of some men who engage in full heterosexual contact with their wives and still retreat into that secret world of masturbation. In the fantasy world of pornography there is no shame and there are no performance issues.
3. How can partners get along in the face of pornography use?It is important that both men and women begin to understand and become sensitive to the delicate shame issues experienced by each with regard to their sexuality. Women come to believe that they are not pleasing their men and that is why their male partners turn to pornography. The root of this thinking is often related to the negative body images that women hold of themselves. Women who are heavy believe they are ugly. Women who are thin believe they are heavy and ugly. Women who are thin do not believe they are thin enough and insist they are ugly. Even today, in a world in which women are much more sexually liberated than ever before, some women fear that being sexual is immoral for a woman. As a result, they hold back from orgasm or from letting go and losing control in the orgiastic experience. They do not do this deliberately. Rather, the failure to orgasm is the result of deep and built in prohibitions.
Many men conclude that their women are not interested in sex or not in some of the ways they wish to pursue sexuality. They fear and doubt their ability to perform adequately and retreat into a world of isolation and sexual fantasy free of issues of performance and shame.
To the extent that both men and women can better understand where their partners are coming from with regard to pornography use and shame issues, they will be in a better position to start breaking down their mutual shame feelings and become closer. To the extent that partners do not make efforts to understand one another, attacks upon one another become more likely and the potential for intimacy within the all-important relationship decreases or fails entirely.
According to Stoller's research, the luckiest couples are those who can learn to abandon themselves to their sexual fantasies and strivings with one another without inhibition and anxiety. These couples can view pornography together, if they wish to, and can be free with one another without being inhibited by feelings of doubt about appearance or guilt that stems from unresolved issues of childhood. There is a normal part of foreplay when willing partners engage in pinching, biting, slapping, or spanking, and many other erotic activities in order to heighten the anticipated pleasure of intercourse. The key phrase here is "willing partners". How that phrase comes to be defined within a given couple will determine whether that couple can be open and honest with one another or not.
What are your opinions?
译文:
男人和女人对色情电影的理解
从众多的反应来看，我的文章是关于网上的色情电影，色情是一个问题，他困绕着许多姻亲关系。我们已经收到大部分妇女的来信，她们感到贬低和蔑视的事实，即她们的丈夫，男朋友和未婚妻看网上色情电影。当她们发现她们的男人观看色情电影时，许多女人都在信上表示感情收到了背叛。他们表达的想法是，他们没有足够的吸引力，还是不够理想，还是不够性感。其中一些女性作者报告说，他们甚至认为因特网上的一些色情电影伴随着自己的伴侣并且他们的伴侣独自一人偷偷跑去观看色情电影他们感到特别愤怒。评论表示愤怒，伤害，迷惑并且困惑如何与他们男人相处。
迄今为止我们得到的回应中有很多东西值得讲，在色情问题上，此刻我心中所坚持的三个问题：
1.到目前为止，人数最多的电子邮件来自愤怒和失望的是妇女。
2.男人认为色情是私密的并且孤立他们的女性伙伴。为什么男人从事观看色情电影要私密和孤立的？
3.我们如何帮助男性和女性相互了解，以更好地避免他们在这个问题轻易产生的痛苦和愤怒？
1.理解与愤怒：
无疑地，有许多的妇女在色情电影上是愤怒的并且她们的愤怒是针对他们的男人。我们有几位女性陈诉她们的打算，她们要与他们的男人结束性关系，至少有一名妇女询问，是否她应该在色情电影的争议上放弃订婚和即将结婚。
我们要问，如果这种愤怒的方式是好的，无论男性或女性越过题目看网上色情电影。难道尝试和理解男人和女人之间所发生的一切不是更好吗？通过理解，如何用更好方式来处理这个问题？
女性这么愤怒网上色情电影部分原因是因为，她们的男人远离家庭和她们自己。如果他反锁在家的书房里花上许多的时间观看网上的色情电影，作为一个父亲如何从事教育他们的孩子？不仅仅是观看色情电影，这些男人开始自慰。这是不言而喻的孤立所发生的自慰，至少在这种情况下，妻子或伴侣是不是参与这项单独活动。可是，为什么？为什么发生？为什么当他们有性伴侣时，好的父亲和丈夫会用别的方法从事这种自我孤立性行为呢？为什么这么多男人认为色情是私下和保密的，甚至他们的妻子都愿意同他们一起观看色情电影，作为性交前之相互挑逗和感情的交流？让我们看看我们是否可揣摩出一些答案而不是搞谴责。
2.
为什么男人喜欢看色情电影？
原因之一男人为什么要结婚，已订婚的，或是有一个女朋友并且他们的性生活活跃，从事私密的观看色情电影从而性冲动，我们近来调查视为可耻的事。正如这个网站里的博客所阐述，耻辱的事已是内心深处自我认同的感受。自我谴责可耻的感受是极其苛刻的，尤其是当它被视为是一个深深的信念，这种侵犯并不被社会所接受的 。这就是为什么羞耻是一个痛苦的经历。个别人感到羞耻完全是自我谴责，是否有其他人知道这件事。羞耻比内疚更为强大，因为内疚的感觉是结合单一的个人行为或是个人行为不被赞成。没有任何谴责。相反，知道一些法律或是个人要求违反了礼教习俗。在本质上羞耻比内疚更广。它意味着完全自我谴责并且消极。羞耻的感受是丢脸并且会有厌恶的感觉和自己感到没有面子。
男人和女人在经历性耻辱的问题上是不同的。
作为女人，羞耻的感受往往都与身体形象有关。女人之间会相互比较并且她们不够苗条时会感到恐惧，够丰满匀称，或是胸部够大，这种看法被定义为美丽的女人。
除了身体形象问题，既然你是女性，女人的斗争是不接受性歧视。到今天仍然存在双重标准，男人是允许有性行为，但女性的性行为却被是视为不道德和罪恶。一旦结婚，女人期待和他的丈夫发生性爱。这些抵触情绪如今已没有那么的强烈，随着妇女解放运动的，但它们仍然存在。
作为男人，羞耻问题直接关系到性表现，并定义男子气慨。作为男人，获得部分性表现和维持勃起。 刚毅的时间是显而易见的，并且，任何一个男人怀疑自己的刚毅，他们坚持的时间是否够长，是否够吸引和满足女人。如果他激起足够的情欲说明这个男人很棒。第二，他已经可以射精。男性不能"假"的一个高潮。还有就是假装没有;他要么射精或么不。他如果不射精，他感觉不像一个真正的男人。如果他无法获得和维持勃起他觉得不像一个真正的男人。
如果男性射精前，他插入女人的阴道，他会感到少一点男人味。如果他射精过早插入后，剥夺女人达到高潮，他觉得很失败。这些问题都不是暗指男人观看色情电影。它意味着很多男人害怕这些事情的发生。
除了男人的性欲表现，还关系的到生殖器的外观和大小。青春期的开始，男生通常会与其他男生比较阴茎大小。一群男生在一起会从事射精竞赛，以射精来测试他们谁是最强壮的，并且可以达到最远。有的甚至从事小便竞赛，看谁的尿可以射的最远。这些青春期男性，所有的行为都是为了考验他们的刚毅。许多男孩对举重杂志的肌肉男照片感兴趣，他们想仿效一种方式来展现自己的阳刚威力。
因而，产生了性幻想问题。根据Robert Stoller，心理分析学家和研究员在性问题和色情电影上作研究，一般在少年时期，色情电影里的人物为虚拟生活的他们提供服务。孩子被虐待，体罚他们的对象是自己的父母，在这些照片和电影中，他们观看性虐待狂电影从中寻找快感并证明他们自己是虐待者。换句话说，他们当家做主并且成为妇女的奴隶。同样地，女人胁迫男人，十多岁能够彻底改变胁迫的情绪，他们一旦觉得（现在仍然可以感觉到）并且通过色情电影。男人在完成征收，并已完成权力色情版的性幻想，作为孩子完全颠倒他们的现实生活并且颠倒他们如何成为一个男人的感受。因此，他们认同观看色情电影，在现实生活中，他们观看色情电影对于他们的妻子可能会感到惭愧。正如一位病人向我陈述，性幻想让他有难堪和羞耻的感觉，为什么有许多男人对色情电影感兴趣。
Stoller 写了一篇关于色情电影的文章，色情电影有迷信的一面。性拜物教包括非人的性行为反应或是部分人的身体反应。这种性爱激励可能关系到的一些东西有鞋子，内衣裤，脚等等。在我看来，色情电影可归类为迷信，观看这些图象，这些图象不是现存的或是不包括整个人类相互影响。这部分提到妇女观看色情电影使具客观性。换句话说，在色情电影里面，女性的身体看作是一种商品，作为一个东西，而是作为一个人。
Stoller下一个重要的步骤是，他的写作是为了陈述反对性迷信，性迷信并不是整个人类真正的行为，可以治疗的 残酷的行为和暴虐。男人认为色情电影无意伤害他们的妻子和其他女人。然而，他们设想的伤害或是至少控制色情电影，并且反对通过幻想到达色情世界。
所谓弗洛伊德精神分析界称为"圣母-妓女情结"，脱离幻想生活退回到童年时发生的部分事情。这种复杂的情绪是指所有男人希望他们的妻子是完美和天真的，关于养育子女和与朋友和邻居之间的相互影响。纯洁的部分还包括“圣母玛利亚”，或还是处女和两性之间还是清白的女孩。然而，同样是男人，希望自己的妻子在卧室里像个“淫妇”，表演一切希望-性行为，刺激并且满足他。
问题是有些男人，他们不能调和这样的行为，即他们孩子的母亲，希望能满足“淫妇”这一性幻想。对于这些男人来说，接管恋母情节的争执，恋母情节有太多的内疚，结合“母亲”的角色允许他们继续把他们的妻子看作性伴侣。换句话说，离婚的发生在他们的妻子和他们孩子的母亲不能被看作“淫妇”，只能看作为“圣母玛利亚”。离婚的类型包括私密的观看色情电影，因为他们不想承认有这样的幻想，他们的妻子甚至永远不会批准她们自己有这样的性欲并且要“禁止”这样的幻想.因此，色情电影必须私底下单独观看。如果你对恋母情节有所抵触，男孩会联想到他们的母亲，我需要指出主要的反对意见和近期的骚动,突然出现在美国的高中里，设想一个男孩在对另一个男孩母亲的问候中使用了一个特别的咒骂短语。简单的术语说明“Mother-F***er”（用你的想象力来填补失踪字母），到另一个男孩可以开始一个主要的斗争，在青春期男孩群体中。在治疗中心，我已经与几个多年来完全失去性欲感觉的男人接触过，他们一旦把自己的妻子变成母亲。
所有这些原因并且更多的，许多男人退却到私密世界里的色情电影和自慰。这是真的，甚至有些男性完全从事异性爱的接触，尽管如此他们的妻子仍撤退到那个私密世界的自慰。在幻想世界色情毫无羞耻，不存在性能问题。
3.面对色情电影如何与你的伴侣融洽相处？
这是很重要的，男人和女人开始了解并变得敏感，微妙的羞耻问题经历各方面的性行为。妇女终于相信，他们不是取悦她们的男人，这就是为什么他们的男性伴侣转向色情电影。妇女支持自己这些根本的想法往往与消极的身体形象有关。胖得女人认为他们长得丑 瘦的女人却也认为他们太胖太丑。瘦的女人不认为他们够瘦并且坚持认为他们是难看的。即使在今天，在这个世界上，女人比以前更加性开放了，有些女人恐惧性，性是淫荡女人的行为。结果，他们抑制性高潮或是再次进行并且在纵欲的体验中失去控制。他们这样做不是故意的。其实，未能达到高潮的主要原因是内心设立的禁锢。
许多男人认为，他们的妻子对性没有兴趣或是在某些方面他们不希望从事性行为。他们恐惧和怀疑他们的表现能力是否充分并且撤退到一个孤立的世界和无性幻想的表现和羞耻。
就男女双方来说，可以更好的理解他们伴侣来自关于色情电影益处和羞耻问题，他们将处于更有利的地位，开始打破彼此的羞耻感觉并且变得更加紧密。在这个意义上，伴侣之间不能为相互理解作出努力，彼此很有可能越来越忽略非常重要的性关系或完全失去。
根据Stoller's的调查，最幸运的夫妇能认识到放弃他们的性幻想和彼此的努力是没有阻碍和焦虑的。这些夫妇在一起看色情电影，如果他们愿意，他们不羞怯并且可以大方的对另一位产生怀疑的感觉或是内疚，来源于童年未解决的问题。这是一个正常的性交前的爱抚，当伴侣愿意从事捏，咬，打耳光，和其他的性爱行为，为了增强预期的快感性交。关键语是“伴侣是自愿的”。如何来定义这句短语，假设就一对即将结婚的夫妇来说结合在一起彼此是否要坦率和诚实。
你对此有何看法？