When was the last time you yelled, screamed, criticized or punished your child? When did you last hug, encourage, praise or say “thank you” to your child? If these parenting behaviors were placed on a weight scale side-by-side, what would the results be in determining how you fare in building healthy self-esteem vs. low self-esteem in your children? What would your self-esteem look like if roles were reversed and you were the child being parented by someone just like you?
Parents may not think about or realize how their words and actions impact their children’s self-worth, their ability to feel good about themselves, and how it follows children well into adulthood. The overall independence, happiness and success of children depends largely on parents building healthy self-esteem in their children and teens.
Family communication research confirms that parents spend very little time actually communicating with their children, and when parents do speak to their child it is most often to complain, criticize or reprimand them for something they’ve done wrong. Studies show that younger children are often criticized and yelled at throughout the day, whereas older children and teens report receiving more encouragement and praise as they got older. Something is terribly wrong with that.
In a previous article, I talked about the importance of building self-esteem in children by considering how they view the world through their young eyes and ears, keeping in mind the importance of giving loving encouragement and genuine praise to children. Promoting self-confidence in children means that parents must evaluate and re-evaluate their parenting style, making needed changes and improvements in order for their children to grow up feeling loved, appreciated and wanted.
Young children tend to hear things like:
- Stop hitting your sister!
- Don’t throw the ball in the house!
- If you do that one more time I’m going to…!
Parents need to look for opportunities and situations to encourage and genuinely praise children when they are cooperating, being nice to their brother or sister, helping with household chores, following the rules or just being good, remembering not to expect perfection with each task.
- I like the way you helped set the table for dinner.
- Thank you for playing nicely with your sister/brother.
- I appreciate how you picked up your toys and put them away.
- I like the way you made your bed all by yourself.
- Thank you for helping me fold the laundry.
- I appreciate how well you behaved at the store today.
Promote self-confidence in children by teaching them positive Self-Talk. Psychologists have found that negative self-talk causes depression and anxiety in children, so it’s important to teach children to have pride in their abilities and accomplishments.
I can still remember when my children were about 3 years-old and trying to get them dressed for the day. My son didn’t want me to help him put his shirt on and said, “I can do it myself!” I allowed him to get dressed by himself, and even though he put the shirt on backwards, the smile on his face told me he felt good about his ability to do things without help.
Children need to be allowed to make age-appropriate choices and decisions, such as deciding what outfit they’ll wear or what they want to eat for breakfast or lunch, as well as helping with chores and responsibilities in the home, in order to learn how to deal with the consequences of their decisions.
- Would you like to wear the blue outfit or the red one today?
- Would you like peanut butter and jelly or a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch?
- Would you like to clean the kitchen or clean the bathroom?
- Would you like to mow the yard or sweep the sidewalk?
- Would you like vegetable soup or chili for dinner tonight?
Children need to be given self-esteem activities in order to feel good about themselves. John is the father of two children, a 9 year-old daughter and an 11 year-old son. From the time his children were five years old, John and his wife began taking the children to homeless shelter’s over the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays to help feed and serve the homeless.
John’s kids are some of the most compassionate and empathetic children I’ve ever known, so much so that when a family vacation was being considered one year over the holidays, both children said they “need to help the people at the shelter’s” rather than go on vacation. The vacation trip was postponed and the children were thrilled in being allowed to contribute to the final decision.
Children also need to be shown proper discipline from their parents, along with parents setting limits regarding how they talk and behave. Undisciplined children cannot grow up with healthy self-esteem and tend to be more dependent upon others, feeling they have no control over their own lives. Children need emotional and physical protection provided through rules and limits in order to have high self-esteem. I’ll be dealing with the issue of giving proper discipline to children in an upcoming article.
When was the last time you had a real conversation with your child or teen where you truly felt connected? What are some things you recommend parents do to help build high self-esteem in children and teenagers? Do you have a question or personal story you would like to share about building self-confidence in children? If so, please leave a comment below.
译文:
在活动中树立孩子的自信
多久前你刚对着孩子大吼大叫批评惩罚？最后一次拥抱，鼓励，称赞或者感谢孩子是在什么时候？如果
将父母的这些行为置于天平的两端那么结果将是如何：你是在帮助孩子自尊心的健康发展还是在使其越发消沉。角色转换一下，如果你的父母的做法和现在的你一样，那么你的自尊心将如何形成？
父母们从不会考虑他们的一言一行对孩子个人价值观，自我欣赏能力的影响，也不会意识到这些言语行为让孩子长大后将成为他们的翻版。孩子的完全独立，幸福和成功在很大程度上取决于父母对其青少年阶段健康自尊心的培养。
家庭交流调查显示父母用于和孩子交流沟通的时间少的可怜，通常和孩子讲话的时候都是在抱怨批评孩子犯下的错误。研究表明年龄较小的孩子在一天中经常受到责备与怒吼，而相对大些的孩子说随着年龄变大，得到的鼓励和赞扬也变多了。这种现象实在让人头痛。
在之前的一篇有关建立孩子自信心的重要性的文章中，我谈到父母应考虑孩子们怎样看待周围的事物，应始终记住给予孩子充满爱意的鼓励和诚恳的赞扬的重要性。要使孩子的自信心得到增强，父母必须对自己的教育方式评价再评价，同时进行调整和改善，这样孩子才会体会到父母的关爱，欣赏与希望。
孩子们经常会听到这些祈使句：
- 不行！
- 放下！
- 停下！
- 不要欺负妹妹！
- 不要在房屋里扔球！
- 如果下次再这样，我就...!
当孩子们非常合作，对兄弟姐妹友善，帮忙分担家务，很有规矩或者很不错的时候，父母应寻找机会或时机鼓励并真诚的赞扬他们，切忌对任何事要求尽善尽美。
- 宝贝儿，晚餐前你能帮忙摆餐具真是不错。
- 宝贝儿，和妹妹/弟弟相处的很好啊。
- 宝贝儿真懂事，把玩具捡起来并放好了。
- 宝贝儿真棒，会自己铺床了。
- 谢谢宝贝儿帮忙叠衣服。
- 今天宝贝儿在商店的表现很好哦.
还可以通过培养孩子积极表达的能力来增强孩子的自信。心理学家发现被动的讲话会使孩子沮丧焦虑，因此让孩子对自己的能力和收获有种自豪感是非常重要的。
我仍然记得这一幕。那时我的孩子才3岁。有一次，我给他穿衣服，他却不要我帮忙。他说：“我自己能行！我同意了。虽然他把衣服穿反了，但是一脸的微笑告诉我能够独立做事让儿子感觉很满足。
让孩子做一些适龄的选择和决定是有必要的，比如决定穿什么衣服，早饭午饭吃些什么，也可以帮忙分担家务，这样孩子会学着解决所作决定所带来的后果。
- 宝贝儿，今天是穿蓝色外套还是红色的？
- 宝贝儿，午饭想吃什么？花生酱和果冻还是奶酪三明治？
- 宝贝儿，想清扫哪里呢？厨房还是浴室？
- 宝贝儿，你希望修剪院子里的草坪还是扫过道？
- 宝贝儿，晚饭来点蔬菜汤还是红辣椒？
为了使他们喜欢自己，需要让孩子们参加树立自信心的活动。约翰有一个9岁的女儿和一个11岁的儿子。从孩子们5岁起，每个感恩节和圣诞节约翰夫妇都带着他们去收容所帮忙喂食照顾那些无家可归的人。
约翰的孩子是我见过的孩子中最富有同情心的。有一年，家里考虑节日期间出去度假，但是两个孩子说比起度假，他们“更要去收容所帮忙"。显然，度假延期；而且孩子们参与了最后决定，这让他们很兴奋。
父母需要给孩子一些规矩去遵守，同时在言行方面要给予约束。没有规矩的孩子是不可能具备健康发展的自信心的，并且会更多的依赖他人，这样的孩子往往感觉自己无法控制自己的人生。孩子心理和生理健康需要这些规矩和约束去保护，这样才能够拥有健康发展的自信心。在下一篇文章中，我将谈论如何给孩子一些适当的规矩去遵守这一问题。
最后一次与孩子会心的交谈，感觉彼此距离很近是在什么时候？为了帮助儿童和青少年树立自信心，你会向其他父母推荐哪些做法？在树立孩子自信方面，你是否有疑问或者故事同大家分享？如果有，请在下面留下您的答案。