Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!"
Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand.... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." --
My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." And the doctor said, "Look, mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend, so get yourself a dog."
译文:
一条名叫‘做爱’的狗
我周围那些养狗的人几乎都会给狗起个诸如‘欢欢’或‘花花’这类的俗名。我给我家的狗起名叫做爱。从那以后，做爱就成了我生活中的一个大麻烦。去市政厅更换狗牌的时候，我告诉工作人员说我想为做爱办个合法牌照。他说，“我到也想给自己弄一个呢！”
我只好补充说：“但她是条狗！”工作人员说他才不在乎我那个对象到底是什么样子。我无奈地继续解释，“你理解错了……从我9岁时起做爱就成为我生活中的一部分。”他回答说，“你小时候还真够猛的。”
在我准备结婚的时候，我告诉牧师说希望能在婚礼上安排个特殊环节给做爱表演。他让我等到婚礼结束。我说，“但做爱对我的生活太重要了，我的整个世界都是围着做爱转的。”他说他不想再听我谈论我的私生活而且不会允许我们在他的教堂里结婚。我跟他打赌所有参加婚礼的人都会喜欢做爱的现场表演。结果第二天我们只能去法院登记结婚，而且从此我全家都被教堂拒之门外。
当我和妻子出去度蜜月的时候，我把狗带在身边。旅馆登记过程中我告诉接待员想要一间房给我和妻子住，另外还想为做爱开个单独房间。接待员说这旅馆的每间房都很适合做爱。我又无奈了，“你不明白，做爱会搞得我睡眠不足。”接待员说：“我也是！”
那一次我送‘做爱’去参加狗展，但是在开赛前我的狗跑丢了。另一个参赛者问我四处张望什么，我告诉他我想在赛场上向大家展示我家做爱的那些绝招。他说那你应该自己搞个什么节目，门票肯定好卖。我说，“你不明白，我花那么多时间培训做爱技巧是希望能上电视。”他说我是个变态狂。
后来我和妻子分居了，为争夺狗的所有权我们闹上了法庭。我说，“尊敬的法官大人，结婚前做爱就像我的快乐之源，可结婚后生活中就找不到做爱曾带给我的快乐了。”法官叹息一声道：“同感啊！”
那天晚上做爱又跑丢了。我花了几小时四处寻找她。一个警察走过来问我凌晨四点的时候在小巷子里转悠什么，我说，“找做爱”
接下来的那个星期四我被送上法庭受审。
唉，现在我被关在牢房里，老婆和我离婚了，这条狗给我带来的麻烦简直前所未闻。前几天是精神科医生第一次为我看诊，她问我：“你觉得你的问题是什么？”我说，“我这辈子都把做爱当成我最好的朋友，但以后永远都不会有机会享受做爱带给我的乐趣了。我觉得很孤独，简直要活不下去了。”医生说，“瞧吧，先生，你应该首先明白做爱并不是一个男人最好的朋友，不如养条狗吧。”