I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
I don’t excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.
Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
Most success springs from an obstacle or failure. I became a cartoonist largely because I failed in my goal of becoming a successful executive.
Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.
With money in your pocket, you are wise and you are handsome and you sing well, too.
Part of the $10 million I spent on gambling, part on booze and part on women. The rest I spent foolishly.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
译文:
有趣的语录 让你开怀一笑！
我把我可怜的性生活归咎于我妈妈。她所告诉我的仅仅是‘男人在上，女人在下。’因此我跟我丈夫睡了三年的双层床。
我不做运动。如果上帝要我弯下腰来，那么他必须把钻石放在地上。
在我们发生关系之前，我丈夫吃了止疼片。
不要告诉你的孩子，分娩很容易。否则，他们不会尊重你。许多年，我过去常常叫醒我女儿，说，‘梅莉莎，你把我撕成碎片。现在回去睡觉。’。
我有柔软松弛的大腿，不过幸运的是，我的肚子掩盖了它们。
大多数的成功来源于障碍或者失败。我成为了一名漫画家，主要是因为我未能成为一名成功的主管。
每天早上我醒来，就会看看《福布斯》里美国最富有的人的名单。如果我不在其中，我就去工作。
你口袋里面有钱，你就很聪明，很英俊，唱歌也很好听。
一千万美元中，我一部份花在了赌博上，一部分花在了酒席上，一部份花在了女人身上。剩下的，我都花得很愚蠢。
当事情出错的时候，会笑的那个人是在考虑要怪罪于谁。